10 Questions For Christmas (my 2000 Christmas Newsletter)

Well, how can you say that Christmas isn’t upon us? Sure it is. Our clean green grass is covered with snow, the gutter’s full of slush, and the streets have their slick black hairdos only to say that it’s literally waiting around the bend. And to tell you the truth, I knew it was coming, I just didn’t want to say anything. It’s only a matter of time before we get to “Merry Christmas!” coupled with “Have a happy new year!” and perhaps it’s for the best.

Question One: It’s Christmas.

Question Two: Do you know what that means? It means we take one day, to end the year with a clear conscience. We make amends and patch strained relationships the only way we know how: we buy stuff. Lot’s of stuff. Stuff and things. Honestly, think back on holidays past, then think about your own past. Who made who? Did you know there’s a shop in Orem that sells childrens’ toys? Just stop for a minute and realize how absurd that is. How are kids as young as two supposed to to afford to buy toys? And it doesn’t end even after Christmas has passed; There’s a week, then a big party to bring in another day, and then about two months trying to get used to writing the new date. That’s what it’s all about. Stuff, things, a party, and a new number on our checks and the personal letters that contain so much pain and regret (I’m not bitter, just lonely).

Well for me, 2000 was a pretty nice year. I spent most of it in South Africa, but even here, it’s just about the same story. I made a lot of good friends this year and I renewed some old ones as well. I even made one bad friendship (Mike). To the rest, thank you… you know who you are (if I haven’t specifically thanked you in person, it’s not you.). But even, thank you. Know what I mean? (and that’s question four). I don’t remember 1999. All I know is 1998, and then I do remember the Prince song, but then it’s 2000 and now 2001. This year should be different: Your New Years resolution should be all about making it a year to remember. Do something big, something you’ll be proud of. Don’t waste another year. Know what I mean? (that’s not question 5, it’s a restate of 4).

Questions 5 and 6: Does Christmas remind you of being a kid? Does it remind you of getting beat up and feeling insecure around girls?

Question 7: Who do you love? Think about that, then tell them. Then remember that it’s the season for stuff. Get them stuff. If you’re out of money, share your turkey with them; break the wishbone, break all the bones. Most importantly, stop ridiculing them.

Question 8: and if you will be alone this holiday season, trust me, I know it’s hard. And if you have paired off, well, that brings it’s own pain.

Question 9: will be a question you ask me. As most anybody knows, I’ve got lots of stories, and not all of them are about me. I still remember pirate stories I heard as a kid. Stories about good pirates and bad pirates; a particularly gruesome story about a pirate with a hook eye. Anything you want. Ask away.

I just want you to know that I may not be seeing you this holiday season, but then maybe I will. Just know that as it is Christmas, I am thinking about you. Maybe more than you’re comfortable with. Maybe even more than I’m comfortable with.

Question 10: What will I get for Christmas? A girl? Probably, but probably not; you know me. So we’ve come full circle. If any of you know a nice girl in your neighborhood, I’m looking hard for a date. I’ve cleaned up my act too, so young ladies should feel safe with me. Nevermind. I shouldn’t have said anything. Sometimes I just get so lonely, honestly. I’m dying inside.

Merry Christmas and/or Have a Happy New Year depending on your beliefs!