Friday, December 31, 2010

It's 2011!

Now I only have to wait one more year before I see the movie 2012.

I would have seen it before now, but I like to avoid spoilers.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Favorite Line (Extras)

From Extras season one. In a conversation between Les Dennis and Andy Milman (Ricky Gervais)...

LES: Why don't people want to come out and see Les Dennis?
ANDY: They do.
LES: Why don't twice as many?

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

My 2001 Christmas Newsletter

Well, this is it. I’ve been talking about it for a long time, and those of you who know me best know that I’ll go through with it. It’s Christmas, and this one is going to be the biggest, badest one yet; the rental fees and permit taxes alone have cost me a small fortune. The harsh elements of winter may numb our stubby fingers, but the colder emotional winter of the holidays breaks our spirits and keeps us marching down the long road to inevitability. But I’m not scared. The late but great John F. Kennedy once said, “there is nothing to be scared of but scare itself,” and this Halloween I found out he was right. Man, oh man, was he ever right.

This year has been particularly profitable for my interests here and abroad. Some of you may remember that I made a small fortune playing wall street, but lost it all on a bad bet with a bad pirate. It’s true what they say about pirates and pleasure; you better believe they don’t mix. More importantly, this year I found a bride - which you may have seen on Unsolved Mysteries. A couple months after that I found my own bride, and she was even prettier and less dead. Annabelle and I are very happy but we are also very bitter. It’s this give and take and take some more that makes our marriage work.

I’m still employed (knock on wood), but I’ve saved a whole shoe box full of food stamps just in case. Since I’m technically a non-profit organization, I don’t have to pay taxes anymore, which allowed us to buy a beautiful white rhino horn bathroom set on Ebay. In addition, my new mail order powdered sugar company is really taking off thanks to all the extra media attention it’s received. The post office even has a special section for all my powdery envelopes and boxes.

Which brings us back to what the Christmas season is all about: Pirates. You better believe if I ever find that crooked peg-legged pretty boy he’s gonna wish he was born an Eskimo.

I remember snowy Christmas eves long since past. My family and I would bundle up nice and warm and trudge down to Arby’s and buy a whole pillow case full of roast beef sandwiches for 99 cents. My dad would dress up like Santa and we’d take those sandwiches down to the homeless shelter. At $2 a pop, we made a good profit each year that helped us pay off court fees.

We may all be older now, and the older you get the more afraid of robots you are. I’m here to tell you that the only way to stop them is to reflect their death rays and melt down their parts. The secret to telling them apart from humans is that robots have mustaches. It wouldn’t be Christmas if we weren’t being threatened at every turn by a super-race of destructobots. But then again, it wouldn’t be Christmas if the robots could fly; imagine that!

In closing, I want each and every one of you to know that although I spread gossip about you, inside I’m as human as the rest of you. When I get sad, I cry. When I get hurt, I bleed. When I get hungry, I cry. And when I slip on the ice and fall down the steps leading up to my apartment, I bleed on the inside.

Save your pity. Heaven knows I’m saving mine.

Monday, December 13, 2010

10 Questions For Christmas (my 2000 Christmas Newsletter)

Well, how can you say that Christmas isn’t upon us? Sure it is. Our clean green grass is covered with snow, the gutter’s full of slush, and the streets have their slick black hairdos only to say that it’s literally waiting around the bend. And to tell you the truth, I knew it was coming, I just didn’t want to say anything. It’s only a matter of time before we get to “Merry Christmas!” coupled with “Have a happy new year!” and perhaps it’s for the best.

Question One: It’s Christmas.

Question Two: Do you know what that means? It means we take one day, to end the year with a clear conscience. We make amends and patch strained relationships the only way we know how: we buy stuff. Lot’s of stuff. Stuff and things. Honestly, think back on holidays past, then think about your own past. Who made who? Did you know there’s a shop in Orem that sells childrens’ toys? Just stop for a minute and realize how absurd that is. How are kids as young as two supposed to to afford to buy toys? And it doesn’t end even after Christmas has passed; There’s a week, then a big party to bring in another day, and then about two months trying to get used to writing the new date. That’s what it’s all about. Stuff, things, a party, and a new number on our checks and the personal letters that contain so much pain and regret (I’m not bitter, just lonely).

Well for me, 2000 was a pretty nice year. I spent most of it in South Africa, but even here, it’s just about the same story. I made a lot of good friends this year and I renewed some old ones as well. I even made one bad friendship (Mike). To the rest, thank you… you know who you are (if I haven’t specifically thanked you in person, it’s not you.). But even, thank you. Know what I mean? (and that’s
question four). I don’t remember 1999. All I know is 1998, and then I do remember the Prince song, but then it’s 2000 and now 2001. This year should be different: Your New Years resolution should be all about making it a year to remember. Do something big, something you’ll be proud of. Don’t waste another year. Know what I mean? (that’s not question 5, it’s a restate of 4).

Questions 5 and 6: Does Christmas remind you of being a kid? Does it remind you of getting beat up and feeling insecure around girls?

Question 7: Who do you love? Think about that, then tell them. Then remember that it’s the season for stuff. Get them stuff. If you’re out of money, share your turkey with them; break the wishbone, break all the bones. Most importantly, stop ridiculing them.

Question 8: and if you will be alone this holiday season, trust me, I know it’s hard. And if you have paired off, well, that brings it’s own pain.

Question 9: will be a question you ask me. As most anybody knows, I’ve got lots of stories, and not all of them are about me. I still remember pirate stories I heard as a kid. Stories about good pirates and bad pirates; a particularly gruesome story about a pirate with a hook eye. Anything you want. Ask away.

I just want you to know that I may not be seeing you this holiday season, but then maybe I will. Just know that as it is Christmas, I am thinking about you. Maybe more than you’re comfortable with. Maybe even more than I’m comfortable with.

Question 10: What will I get for Christmas? A girl? Probably, but probably not; you know me. So we’ve come full circle. If any of you know a nice girl in your neighborhood, I’m looking hard for a date. I’ve cleaned up my act too, so young ladies should feel safe with me. Nevermind. I shouldn’t have said anything. Sometimes I just get so lonely, honestly. I’m dying inside.

Merry Christmas and/or Have a Happy New Year depending on your beliefs!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

I Love You 2 Pac

I took this picture a few years back when I was living in South Africa.To my knowledge this is the only man-made tribute to Pac that can be seen from outer space.