Tuesday, March 30, 2010

A Book Review: Sacred Or Secret?

When my grandmother died, a big box of books was put in front of me and I was told to take any I wanted. Because I am immature, I chose Sacred Or Secret?: A Parents’ Handbook for Sexuality and Guidance of Children. Copyright 1967. A couple days ago, I picked it up and began reading it.

Let’s see what we have here…

“Continued masturbation is, of course, a sign of major social maladjustment.”

Well of course!

“But it should be noted it is a sign, a symptom. It is a result of a cause, and if the behaviour is to be changed, this cause must be discovered and eliminated. For example, sometimes the cause is membership in a gang which practices masturbation.”

Wait. WHAT???

“As undesirable as self-abuse is, it does not quickly lead to insanity, or severe permanent physical or mental degeneration if it is stopped.”

Insanity? That sounds a bit extreme. In fact, I might even go so far as to call this masturbation fear mongering. It’s like what would happen if Glenn Beck was teaching a maturation class. Ugh. Let’s see what’s in some other chapters…

“Girls should also be taught to make proper disposal of the sanitary pad and not leave it around where others may see it. This is one matter in which women sometimes offend their husbands, who, while they may say little or nothing, may feel a revulsion toward their wives which may linger much to the detriment of the marriage.”

I love when authors talk about their personal problems as if they apply to everyone.

“Children who grow up selfish and spoiled may never feel satisfied in marriage. They may keep their marriage partners working and scheming frantically to supply ever greater quantities of the material goods upon which they have learned to depend for their happiness.”

Can’t you just see him glaring at his wife over the typewriter as he is writing this?

But this is all a bit heavy, I just need to know the basics for teaching my kids. Like what do I say when they ask where babies come from?

“Do not say "You came from mother's tummy." It is a misleading answer since "tummy" means stomach to a child. It confuses the child and he may come to believe that the baby got there because the mother swallowed a seed and that children are born through the rectum.”

Is that really the natural conclusion? I didn’t think about baby seeds and ass births when I was told babies are in tummies as a child, but I guess I didn’t really think it all the way through.

This book is insane. I recommend it to everyone.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Bands In Salt Lake

Editors, Trashcan Sinatras, Frightened Rabbit, Glasvegas, Lily Allen, The Twilight Sad, The Cure, We Were Promised Jetpacks, M.I.A.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

E.T. Today

You ever thought about how if ET were to come today that there is no way he would be able to get home? I mean, the machine he made to call his ship was made out of a record player and a Speak & Spell. How is he going to find a record player and a Speak & Spell in this day and age? He would have to go to ebay and pay quite a bit if he wanted them to work and who’s paypal account is he going to use? You see, that's the great irony of technology. We have advanced to the point where everyone has a cell phone, handheld digital music players, and wireless internet, but at the same time, the "old" technology which we concider "outdated" and "obsolete" is much more important to a lost alien like E.T. Sure we have come far, but we have also left alot behind... perhaps we've lost perspective about what's really important.

So what would happen if E.T. came today? He would not be able to contact his family back home and he would be left here to die and then he would probably be disected by scientists who would try to splice his genes with human genes and create a new race of abominations that eat our children and have glowing fingers.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Funny Friday!

A homeless guy approaches a Catholic priest on the street and asks him for some money. The priest gives him a couple dollars and says “Just make sure you don’t spend it on alcohol”.

Then the homeless guy sees a Jewish Rabbi and asks him for some money. The Rabbi gives him a couple dollars and says “Just make sure you don’t spend it on alcohol”.

Finally, the homeless guy goes up to a Methodist pastor (or whatever Methodist leaders are called) and asks him for money. The pastor gives him a couple dollars and says “Just make sure you don’t spend it on alcohol”.

But he did end up spending all of that money on alcohol.

And six months later he killed somebody.

A short Film About Alzheimer's

Monday, March 15, 2010

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Variations On A Theme

Chevy, Ford, Honda

Lew Staziak Quotes

From the short-lived TV show Andy Barker P.I.

"There's nothing I like better than kicking the brown bread out of a bunch of commies high on potato juice."

"Everybody eats chicken. Some, like me, for revenge."

"Somewhere in hell, somebody's putting the wood to a quality broad."

"Symbolic. Like when a Cuban sleeps with your wife, he leaves his pants on the mailbox."

"The blond one did it. Probably a Samoan. Those peach-eating bastards will steal anything ain't stuffed down your pants."

"No disrespect to your wife, but it's amazing you ever got that oven-jokey to to uncross her honey-sticks for you."

"I'll make your little miserable island-hopping life so hellish. you'll wish you never crawled out of your mommy's baby-maker."

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Monday, March 8, 2010

Bureau Of Indian Affairs

Most of us don’t generally give much thought to this particular government agency. But the thing is, you’ll be happy it’s there the night your wife starts asking questions about the war paint on your collar or the dream catcher she found in your wallet.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

We Were Promised Jetpacks

Salt Lake City. March 5, 2010
It's Thunder and it's Lightening

Moving Clocks Run Slow (my favorite song about time dilation)

Saturday, March 6, 2010

My Roots

Because I was pretty lazy when it came to reading as a kid, I almost always just ended up taking LaVar Burton's word for it.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Twilight Sad

Screen caps from the Twilight Sad videos, I Became A Prostitute, Seven Years Of Letters, and The Room.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Monday, March 1, 2010


Most people think Predator would win, but personally I’m putting my money on Axl – because not only does he already kick so much ass, but he could just time travel back to the day the Predator was born and kick its baby ass.

And he used to date Stephanie (freakin’) Seymore!!!