Get Up Stand Up

So that was an experience. Thanks to those who came.

Variations On A Theme

Schriedenger's Cat
Occam's Razor
Jacob's Ladder
Pascal's Wager
Pavlov's Dog
Matsby's Whoopie Cushion

What Has Obama Done Now?

Sad Keanu after John McNaughton

UPDATE: Version with word bubbles.

Funny Friday

Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock
Knock who?
Knock who?
Knock
Who's there?
Knock knock

(chiasmus joke)

(or is it a palindrome joke?)

(Note: the literary structure of this joke is open for discussion)

Redheads

I haven’t had a lot of first hand experience with redheads, but from what I have read on license plate frames and bumper stickers, I admit to having a lot of preconceived ideas about them.

Restaurants

I really like those restaurants where there is a phone at your table that you use to call in your order.

Because when it comes to cheese fries and bacon burgers, I am very non-confrontational.

Twilight Sad

Screen caps from the new Twilight Sad video, The Wrong Car (directed by Nicola Collins)

Mamba Number Five

If the Mamba is supposed to be such a dangerous poisonous snake, then why did they name it after such a delicious chewy candy?

FUN FACT: Did you know that the second deadliest snake next to the Mamba is the Starbust Viper?

Funny Friday

A man and his son are fishing on a lake. The son keeps catching fish, but the dad isn’t catching anything. Every fish the kid catches is bigger than the last. After a couple of hours, the dad says to the son “Boy, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

The boy says “what is it dad?”

The dad says “Your mother and I are getting a divorce.”

A Tribute

Antiques Roadshow

The "experts" at Antiques Roadshow said my skeleton collection isn't worth anything.

I guess they never saw all those reward signs that were posted around town.

Hacks!

On The Subject Of Bee Beards

You know sometimes I get sick and tired of hearing women complain about bee beards. I just think it’s lame when they get all superficial about this kind of thing. I mean come on ladies. Not every guy is going to be a Doctor McDreamy or a Doctor McSteamy. Some guys are bald, some guys have facial hair, and some guys have bees on their face (Doctor McStingy). And I'd like to hope you ladies wouldn't get all hung up on what kind of beard a man has or doesn't have.

I mean, how do you feel about them? Would you date a guy who had a bee beard? What about a yellow jacket mustache? Or a wasp soul-patch? A hornet goatee? Because if you say no, you may be missing out on one of the sweetest, most perfect guys you’ll ever meet just because of something superficial like that.

I'm happy to say that I for one, am not that shallow. I once dated a girl who had a ladybug unibrow – in fact, she was my first true love.

At least I think it was a ladybug unibrow. It may have just been one of those little red dots (she was an Indian).

But we weren’t together long enough for me to find out for sure… She ended up breaking it off with me because of my cockroach sideburns.

And yeah, that is understandable, but it still hurt.

Even years later, it still sometimes hurts.

But not as much as the time one of my sideburns tried to burrow into my ear.

That was excruciating!

There Are Two Kinds Of People...

Those who use the term "cool beans" and those who don't.

I prefer the latter.

Compilation Of Things I've Made

Criticism

Writing To Reach You about Roxy Music is like Dancing In The Dark about Architecture in Helsinki.

Memories

Different But The Same

If someone has a physical deformity or a scar or a weird arm, you're not supposed to stare at that part of them. Instead you should try to look them directly in the eyes.

The same thing applies when you are talking to a woman with big breasts.

But that's interesting because big breasts and a weird arm are two things I normally have completely different reactions to.

Variations On A Theme

Disapproval

I know you shouldn't try to read into an inanimate object's body language, but I can't get over the feeling that this oscillating fan disapproves of everything I say and do.

Lily Allen

Salt Lake City - April 8, 2009

Gateway Mall

Last night my wife made me go shopping with her downtown at the Gateway Mall. I really don’t like the Gateway Mall because every time I go there, it makes me want go shopping at bigger and more hardcore malls.

Variations On A Theme

Killer Whale vs...Great White Shark, Great White Bear, Great Jack White

I Know All There Is To Know About The Crying Game

Well maybe not all there is to know.

But I did read the Wikipedia article.

Soft Drink Titles

When I first met Pibb, we were on much more formal terms.

Fear

Some people are afraid of snakes.

And some people are afraid of ghosts.

But everybody is afraid of snake ghosts.

Sometimes I Feel Like I Am Living A Lie

Because although my pants say "Wrangler" on them, the truth is, I have never wrangled in my life.

I don't even know how to wrangle.

They were just on sale.

Got Genious?

All images found by doing Google searches for "got + (random word)". It's a fun game.

Too Big???

The other night my wife was telling me about a lady she works with and she said “She has really big boobs. You know like when boobs are just too big?”

What?

Sometimes I have no idea what the hell that woman's talking about.

Reading Rambo

"I didn't do anything!"
"but don't take my word for it..."

Asian Duo

I was thinking about starting an Asian gang.

But the problem is I only know two Asian guys.

Maybe I'll just start an Asian duo.

Helpful Advice

When you meet your new neighbor who just moved in across the street and he tells you that he has a seventeen year old daughter, DO NOT ask him which window is hers.

Because he is most likely going to take it the wrong way and get all upset over nothing.

Besides, that's easy enough to find out yourself.

My Favorite Actor

Garret Dillahunt - The 4400, Deadwood, The Road, The Book of Daniel, Life, No Country For Old Men, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, The Road, and more...

I Wonder...

I wonder if people are always getting Sting the singer and Sting the wrestler mixed up? Like maybe Sting the wrestler is bouncing checks at a restaurant and then Sting the singer tries to pay with a check, the waiter says that his manager won't let them take checks from Sting anymore. And even though Sting the singer has never been there before, he can’t really argue about it because it’s hard to convince them that they are confusing him with another guy when Sting isn’t really that common of a name.

And if that's the case, then I wonder if Sting the singer has to avoid attending wrestling matches because maybe one of the wrestlers might be told to go out there and body slam Sting - and if that wrestler doesn’t think to confirm specifically which Sting he should body slam, it could be a real problem.

And I wonder if there is ever a domestic dispute and the neighbors accidentally call Sting and Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland.

And I wonder if people always ask Sting the singer if he wrote Roxanne and he says "yes I did" and then the person says “I love that movie”.

And I wonder if people always ask that wrestler The Ultimate Warrior, “hey are you the Penultimate Warrior?” and he has to correct them and say “No, I come after that guy”.

And I wonder if people always ask that wrestler Triple H if he will tow their car for them.

45s I Purchased In San Francisco Last Week

I wish they had record stores in Utah like that.

Sleepover

When I was a kid we would have sleepovers where we would wait until one of the kids fell asleep and then we would dip his hand in warm water to make him pee himself. Then one time we boiled some water on the stove and put this one kid's hand in it and he did a little more than pee himself (if you know what I mean). Plus he had third degree burns on his hand and had to get a skin graft.

It was so funny!

My How You've Grown

Shopping

Sometimes I shop at Urban Outfitters even though I actually live in the suburbs.

(they never check)

My How You've Grown

Mannequins

I have a friend who likes to check out the Victoria's Secret mannequins at the mall. What a weirdo, right?

Personally I prefer the ones at Lane Bryant. Because I like my mannequins to have a little meat on their steel frames. If you know what I'm saying.

Twilight Sad

Salt Lake City, May 14, 2010

Thoughts On Nicholas Cage Fighting

- I think I heard he knows some Karate
- He was kind of tough in Con Air
- He was pretty funny in Raising Arizona
- I like him
- But I would kind of like to see him get punched in the face.
- He would probably be in the Welter Weight division.
- He’s kind of old.
- But I bet he’s pretty fast.
- If I got in a fight with him, I would talk a bunch of trash about how he was married to Elvis’ daughter.
- And how he is weird and talks funny.
- Baby Bry does a funny impression of Nicholas Cage.
- He’s all “Whoah… Mr President. I know about the book…”
- It’s funny.
- I would also kind of like to see Baby Bry get punched in the face.
- Remember that movie Face Off?
- Oh man, the more I think about that movie, the more I want to see Nicholas Cage get in a fight.
- Maybe he could fight that guy who was Barbarino.
- I would want Nicolas Cage to win that one.
- But only just barely win.

Thoughts On Cage Fighting

- I am tired and I want to go to bed, but I always end up staying up another 2 or 3 hours watching this cage fighting stuff.
- I don’t know why these guys are fighting. They seem like they have a lot in common – same height, same weight class, both love mixed martial arts, both love tattoos. I feel like they should be able to work this out.
- I don’t like to see the champion lose because it’s got to be sad to have to give up that belt.
- I also don’t like to see someone lose to the champion because they must be disappointed to get so close just to lose.
- In fact I don’t like to see anyone lose because I just imagine their family is in the audience and they probably feel really bad about the loss.
- I like punching and kicking more than the Jujitsu wrestling stuff.
- But I do like a good triangle submission.
- I’ve been practicing triangle submissions on my kid and I am getting pretty good at it.
- Not many black guys cage fighting.
- But when they do I’ve never seen one lose.
- I hope my kid doesn’t want to do this when he grows up.
- I hope I don’t ever run into one of these guys because some just look like normal guys and I may accidentally say something smart assed to them.
- “Feather Weight Division” is a mean term.
- Even if you are the undefeated champion, if it’s in the Feather Weight Division, that’s still kind of emasculating.
- It’s like “You’re a really hard core guy… unless the wind blows you over.”
- These guys have weird ears.
- I don’t even like this, so why am I watching this?

Olmos

Prison

If I ever go to prison, I hope I don't have to share a cell with one of those guys who likes to clang his tin cup against the bars all night.

Or one of those guys who likes raping.

Sometimes I Wish I Was Narcoleptic

Because I love naps.

And surprises.

Star Wars Or Big Love?

Do you think there should be a limit to how many Princess Leias one man should have?

How many Princess Leias do you feel that you would you need personally?

Is this really a question of “want” vs “need”?

Is this really an example of American excess?

Do you think in third world countries people would be happy to have even one Princess Leia?

Do you think it is fair to the other Princess Leias that he obviously favors the short haired one?

Funny Friday!

Knock Knock
- Who’s there?
The man who is sleeping with.
- The man who is sleeping with who?
The man who is sleeping with your wife.
- I’m going to kill you.

Powers Sketches

Powers issue 4 cover and interiors side-by-side with the original layout sketches I got from artist, Mike Oeming last month at the Emerald City ComiCon.

Powers is my favorite comic and issue 4 (of the current series) is out today.

Ninja Co-Worker

If I was a ninja, I would always be giving the other ninjas in the office a hard time by asking them "are you shuriken hard or hardly shuriken?"

Avengers #4

NAMOR: Is this all my strength is good for?? To lash out at uncomprehending Eskimos??

Funny Friday!

A man and his son are fishing on a lake. The son keeps catching fish, but the dad isn’t catching anything. Every fish the kid catches is bigger than the last. After a couple of hours, the dad says to the son “Boy, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

The boy says “what is it dad?”

The dad says “Your mother and I are getting a divorce.”

Book Idea

I am writing a book about a guy who gets a really bad gastrointestinal disease in the 1960s.

It's called Cholera In The Time Of Love.

Funny Friday!

Two blondes are standing on the corner by a bus stop. The Number Five bus stops and opens its doors, but the blondes do not get in. Ten minutes later, the Number Eight bus stops and opens its doors, but the blondes do not get in. This goes on for a couple of hours – every ten minutes, a bus pulls up, but the blondes do not get in.

Because the blondes aren’t actually waiting for a bus, they are hookers.

A Book Review: Sacred Or Secret?

When my grandmother died, a big box of books was put in front of me and I was told to take any I wanted. Because I am immature, I chose Sacred Or Secret?: A Parents’ Handbook for Sexuality and Guidance of Children. Copyright 1967. A couple days ago, I picked it up and began reading it.

Let’s see what we have here…

“Continued masturbation is, of course, a sign of major social maladjustment.”

Well of course!

“But it should be noted it is a sign, a symptom. It is a result of a cause, and if the behaviour is to be changed, this cause must be discovered and eliminated. For example, sometimes the cause is membership in a gang which practices masturbation.”

Wait. WHAT???

“As undesirable as self-abuse is, it does not quickly lead to insanity, or severe permanent physical or mental degeneration if it is stopped.”

Insanity? That sounds a bit extreme. In fact, I might even go so far as to call this masturbation fear mongering. It’s like what would happen if Glenn Beck was teaching a maturation class. Ugh. Let’s see what’s in some other chapters…

“Girls should also be taught to make proper disposal of the sanitary pad and not leave it around where others may see it. This is one matter in which women sometimes offend their husbands, who, while they may say little or nothing, may feel a revulsion toward their wives which may linger much to the detriment of the marriage.”

I love when authors talk about their personal problems as if they apply to everyone.

“Children who grow up selfish and spoiled may never feel satisfied in marriage. They may keep their marriage partners working and scheming frantically to supply ever greater quantities of the material goods upon which they have learned to depend for their happiness.”

Can’t you just see him glaring at his wife over the typewriter as he is writing this?

But this is all a bit heavy, I just need to know the basics for teaching my kids. Like what do I say when they ask where babies come from?

“Do not say "You came from mother's tummy." It is a misleading answer since "tummy" means stomach to a child. It confuses the child and he may come to believe that the baby got there because the mother swallowed a seed and that children are born through the rectum.”

Is that really the natural conclusion? I didn’t think about baby seeds and ass births when I was told babies are in tummies as a child, but I guess I didn’t really think it all the way through.

This book is insane. I recommend it to everyone.

Bands In Salt Lake

Editors, Trashcan Sinatras, Frightened Rabbit, Glasvegas, Lily Allen, The Twilight Sad, The Cure, We Were Promised Jetpacks, M.I.A.

A short Film About Chris Hansen

E.T. Today

You ever thought about how if ET were to come today that there is no way he would be able to get home? I mean, the machine he made to call his ship was made out of a record player and a Speak & Spell. How is he going to find a record player and a Speak & Spell in this day and age? He would have to go to ebay and pay quite a bit if he wanted them to work and who’s paypal account is he going to use? You see, that's the great irony of technology. We have advanced to the point where everyone has a cell phone, handheld digital music players, and wireless internet, but at the same time, the "old" technology which we concider "outdated" and "obsolete" is much more important to a lost alien like E.T. Sure we have come far, but we have also left alot behind... perhaps we've lost perspective about what's really important.

So what would happen if E.T. came today? He would not be able to contact his family back home and he would be left here to die and then he would probably be disected by scientists who would try to splice his genes with human genes and create a new race of abominations that eat our children and have glowing fingers.

Funny Friday!

A homeless guy approaches a Catholic priest on the street and asks him for some money. The priest gives him a couple dollars and says “Just make sure you don’t spend it on alcohol”.

Then the homeless guy sees a Jewish Rabbi and asks him for some money. The Rabbi gives him a couple dollars and says “Just make sure you don’t spend it on alcohol”.

Finally, the homeless guy goes up to a Methodist pastor (or whatever Methodist leaders are called) and asks him for money. The pastor gives him a couple dollars and says “Just make sure you don’t spend it on alcohol”.

But he did end up spending all of that money on alcohol.

And six months later he killed somebody.

A short Film About Alzheimer's

What Is In A Name?

Variations On A Theme

Chevy, Ford, Honda

Lew Staziak Quotes

From the short-lived TV show Andy Barker P.I.

"There's nothing I like better than kicking the brown bread out of a bunch of commies high on potato juice."

"Everybody eats chicken. Some, like me, for revenge."

"Somewhere in hell, somebody's putting the wood to a quality broad."

"Symbolic. Like when a Cuban sleeps with your wife, he leaves his pants on the mailbox."

"The blond one did it. Probably a Samoan. Those peach-eating bastards will steal anything ain't stuffed down your pants."

"No disrespect to your wife, but it's amazing you ever got that oven-jokey to to uncross her honey-sticks for you."

"I'll make your little miserable island-hopping life so hellish. you'll wish you never crawled out of your mommy's baby-maker."

Twenty Hats

Pictures from the Red Hat Society.

Bureau Of Indian Affairs

Most of us don’t generally give much thought to this particular government agency. But the thing is, you’ll be happy it’s there the night your wife starts asking questions about the war paint on your collar or the dream catcher she found in your wallet.

We Were Promised Jetpacks

Salt Lake City. March 5, 2010
It's Thunder and it's Lightening


Moving Clocks Run Slow (my favorite song about time dilation)

My Roots

Because I was pretty lazy when it came to reading as a kid, I almost always just ended up taking LaVar Burton's word for it.

Twilight Sad

Screen caps from the Twilight Sad videos, I Became A Prostitute, Seven Years Of Letters, and The Room.

A Short Film About Infidelity

AVP

Most people think Predator would win, but personally I’m putting my money on Axl – because not only does he already kick so much ass, but he could just time travel back to the day the Predator was born and kick its baby ass.

And he used to date Stephanie (freakin’) Seymore!!!

There Are Only Three Genres Of Film

Post-Apocalyptic (The Road)

Apocalyptic (2012)

Pre-Apocalyptic (Norbit)

My Favorite Comicbook Covers