My How You've Grown

Shopping

Sometimes I shop at Urban Outfitters even though I actually live in the suburbs.

(they never check)

My How You've Grown

Mannequins

I have a friend who likes to check out the Victoria's Secret mannequins at the mall. What a weirdo, right?

Personally I prefer the ones at Lane Bryant. Because I like my mannequins to have a little meat on their steel frames. If you know what I'm saying.

Twilight Sad

Salt Lake City, May 14, 2010

Thoughts On Nicholas Cage Fighting

- I think I heard he knows some Karate
- He was kind of tough in Con Air
- He was pretty funny in Raising Arizona
- I like him
- But I would kind of like to see him get punched in the face.
- He would probably be in the Welter Weight division.
- He’s kind of old.
- But I bet he’s pretty fast.
- If I got in a fight with him, I would talk a bunch of trash about how he was married to Elvis’ daughter.
- And how he is weird and talks funny.
- Baby Bry does a funny impression of Nicholas Cage.
- He’s all “Whoah… Mr President. I know about the book…”
- It’s funny.
- I would also kind of like to see Baby Bry get punched in the face.
- Remember that movie Face Off?
- Oh man, the more I think about that movie, the more I want to see Nicholas Cage get in a fight.
- Maybe he could fight that guy who was Barbarino.
- I would want Nicolas Cage to win that one.
- But only just barely win.

Thoughts On Cage Fighting

- I am tired and I want to go to bed, but I always end up staying up another 2 or 3 hours watching this cage fighting stuff.
- I don’t know why these guys are fighting. They seem like they have a lot in common – same height, same weight class, both love mixed martial arts, both love tattoos. I feel like they should be able to work this out.
- I don’t like to see the champion lose because it’s got to be sad to have to give up that belt.
- I also don’t like to see someone lose to the champion because they must be disappointed to get so close just to lose.
- In fact I don’t like to see anyone lose because I just imagine their family is in the audience and they probably feel really bad about the loss.
- I like punching and kicking more than the Jujitsu wrestling stuff.
- But I do like a good triangle submission.
- I’ve been practicing triangle submissions on my kid and I am getting pretty good at it.
- Not many black guys cage fighting.
- But when they do I’ve never seen one lose.
- I hope my kid doesn’t want to do this when he grows up.
- I hope I don’t ever run into one of these guys because some just look like normal guys and I may accidentally say something smart assed to them.
- “Feather Weight Division” is a mean term.
- Even if you are the undefeated champion, if it’s in the Feather Weight Division, that’s still kind of emasculating.
- It’s like “You’re a really hard core guy… unless the wind blows you over.”
- These guys have weird ears.
- I don’t even like this, so why am I watching this?

Olmos

Prison

If I ever go to prison, I hope I don't have to share a cell with one of those guys who likes to clang his tin cup against the bars all night.

Or one of those guys who likes raping.

Sometimes I Wish I Was Narcoleptic

Because I love naps.

And surprises.

Star Wars Or Big Love?

Do you think there should be a limit to how many Princess Leias one man should have?

How many Princess Leias do you feel that you would you need personally?

Is this really a question of “want” vs “need”?

Is this really an example of American excess?

Do you think in third world countries people would be happy to have even one Princess Leia?

Do you think it is fair to the other Princess Leias that he obviously favors the short haired one?

Funny Friday!

Knock Knock
- Who’s there?
The man who is sleeping with.
- The man who is sleeping with who?
The man who is sleeping with your wife.
- I’m going to kill you.

Powers Sketches

Powers issue 4 cover and interiors side-by-side with the original layout sketches I got from artist, Mike Oeming last month at the Emerald City ComiCon.

Powers is my favorite comic and issue 4 (of the current series) is out today.

Ninja Co-Worker

If I was a ninja, I would always be giving the other ninjas in the office a hard time by asking them "are you shuriken hard or hardly shuriken?"

Avengers #4

NAMOR: Is this all my strength is good for?? To lash out at uncomprehending Eskimos??

Funny Friday!

A man and his son are fishing on a lake. The son keeps catching fish, but the dad isn’t catching anything. Every fish the kid catches is bigger than the last. After a couple of hours, the dad says to the son “Boy, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

The boy says “what is it dad?”

The dad says “Your mother and I are getting a divorce.”

Book Idea

I am writing a book about a guy who gets a really bad gastrointestinal disease in the 1960s.

It's called Cholera In The Time Of Love.

Funny Friday!

Two blondes are standing on the corner by a bus stop. The Number Five bus stops and opens its doors, but the blondes do not get in. Ten minutes later, the Number Eight bus stops and opens its doors, but the blondes do not get in. This goes on for a couple of hours – every ten minutes, a bus pulls up, but the blondes do not get in.

Because the blondes aren’t actually waiting for a bus, they are hookers.

A Book Review: Sacred Or Secret?

When my grandmother died, a big box of books was put in front of me and I was told to take any I wanted. Because I am immature, I chose Sacred Or Secret?: A Parents’ Handbook for Sexuality and Guidance of Children. Copyright 1967. A couple days ago, I picked it up and began reading it.

Let’s see what we have here…

“Continued masturbation is, of course, a sign of major social maladjustment.”

Well of course!

“But it should be noted it is a sign, a symptom. It is a result of a cause, and if the behaviour is to be changed, this cause must be discovered and eliminated. For example, sometimes the cause is membership in a gang which practices masturbation.”

Wait. WHAT???

“As undesirable as self-abuse is, it does not quickly lead to insanity, or severe permanent physical or mental degeneration if it is stopped.”

Insanity? That sounds a bit extreme. In fact, I might even go so far as to call this masturbation fear mongering. It’s like what would happen if Glenn Beck was teaching a maturation class. Ugh. Let’s see what’s in some other chapters…

“Girls should also be taught to make proper disposal of the sanitary pad and not leave it around where others may see it. This is one matter in which women sometimes offend their husbands, who, while they may say little or nothing, may feel a revulsion toward their wives which may linger much to the detriment of the marriage.”

I love when authors talk about their personal problems as if they apply to everyone.

“Children who grow up selfish and spoiled may never feel satisfied in marriage. They may keep their marriage partners working and scheming frantically to supply ever greater quantities of the material goods upon which they have learned to depend for their happiness.”

Can’t you just see him glaring at his wife over the typewriter as he is writing this?

But this is all a bit heavy, I just need to know the basics for teaching my kids. Like what do I say when they ask where babies come from?

“Do not say "You came from mother's tummy." It is a misleading answer since "tummy" means stomach to a child. It confuses the child and he may come to believe that the baby got there because the mother swallowed a seed and that children are born through the rectum.”

Is that really the natural conclusion? I didn’t think about baby seeds and ass births when I was told babies are in tummies as a child, but I guess I didn’t really think it all the way through.

This book is insane. I recommend it to everyone.

Bands In Salt Lake

Editors, Trashcan Sinatras, Frightened Rabbit, Glasvegas, Lily Allen, The Twilight Sad, The Cure, We Were Promised Jetpacks, M.I.A.

A short Film About Chris Hansen

E.T. Today

You ever thought about how if ET were to come today that there is no way he would be able to get home? I mean, the machine he made to call his ship was made out of a record player and a Speak & Spell. How is he going to find a record player and a Speak & Spell in this day and age? He would have to go to ebay and pay quite a bit if he wanted them to work and who’s paypal account is he going to use? You see, that's the great irony of technology. We have advanced to the point where everyone has a cell phone, handheld digital music players, and wireless internet, but at the same time, the "old" technology which we concider "outdated" and "obsolete" is much more important to a lost alien like E.T. Sure we have come far, but we have also left alot behind... perhaps we've lost perspective about what's really important.

So what would happen if E.T. came today? He would not be able to contact his family back home and he would be left here to die and then he would probably be disected by scientists who would try to splice his genes with human genes and create a new race of abominations that eat our children and have glowing fingers.

Funny Friday!

A homeless guy approaches a Catholic priest on the street and asks him for some money. The priest gives him a couple dollars and says “Just make sure you don’t spend it on alcohol”.

Then the homeless guy sees a Jewish Rabbi and asks him for some money. The Rabbi gives him a couple dollars and says “Just make sure you don’t spend it on alcohol”.

Finally, the homeless guy goes up to a Methodist pastor (or whatever Methodist leaders are called) and asks him for money. The pastor gives him a couple dollars and says “Just make sure you don’t spend it on alcohol”.

But he did end up spending all of that money on alcohol.

And six months later he killed somebody.

A short Film About Alzheimer's

What Is In A Name?

Variations On A Theme

Chevy, Ford, Honda

Lew Staziak Quotes

From the short-lived TV show Andy Barker P.I.

"There's nothing I like better than kicking the brown bread out of a bunch of commies high on potato juice."

"Everybody eats chicken. Some, like me, for revenge."

"Somewhere in hell, somebody's putting the wood to a quality broad."

"Symbolic. Like when a Cuban sleeps with your wife, he leaves his pants on the mailbox."

"The blond one did it. Probably a Samoan. Those peach-eating bastards will steal anything ain't stuffed down your pants."

"No disrespect to your wife, but it's amazing you ever got that oven-jokey to to uncross her honey-sticks for you."

"I'll make your little miserable island-hopping life so hellish. you'll wish you never crawled out of your mommy's baby-maker."

Twenty Hats

Pictures from the Red Hat Society.

Bureau Of Indian Affairs

Most of us don’t generally give much thought to this particular government agency. But the thing is, you’ll be happy it’s there the night your wife starts asking questions about the war paint on your collar or the dream catcher she found in your wallet.

We Were Promised Jetpacks

Salt Lake City. March 5, 2010
It's Thunder and it's Lightening


Moving Clocks Run Slow (my favorite song about time dilation)

My Roots

Because I was pretty lazy when it came to reading as a kid, I almost always just ended up taking LaVar Burton's word for it.

Twilight Sad

Screen caps from the Twilight Sad videos, I Became A Prostitute, Seven Years Of Letters, and The Room.

A Short Film About Infidelity

AVP

Most people think Predator would win, but personally I’m putting my money on Axl – because not only does he already kick so much ass, but he could just time travel back to the day the Predator was born and kick its baby ass.

And he used to date Stephanie (freakin’) Seymore!!!

There Are Only Three Genres Of Film

Post-Apocalyptic (The Road)

Apocalyptic (2012)

Pre-Apocalyptic (Norbit)

My Favorite Comicbook Covers