I'll be Homely For Christmas

You can count on me.

What Do You Get Someone Who Already Has Everything?

I'm Not Racist

Some of my best friends are offensive racial stereotypes.

Pair O' Docks

I know I wouldn't be able to kill Hilter (because that would of course create a paradox that would unravel the fabric of time), but if I had a time machine, I would at least go back and put his hand in water when he's sleeping.

Happy Halloween

Slow???

That's a lot faster than I can run.

Fantastic Four 296

"Take a powder, ding-a-ling! I ain't got time fer waltzin' around!" - Ben Grimm

script: Stan Lee
art: Jerry Ordway

Five Years

Horrible.

All Signs Point To That Band Who Sang "Owner Of A Lonely Heart"

The Magic 8 Ball is just a scientific 8 ball we don't understand yet.

The Doctors

This show is the perfect combination of Time Lord, gangsta rap, carbonation, and evil genius.

Ten Years

Aaliyah Dana Haughton January 16, 1979 – August 25, 2001

Reed Richards: Sometimes Kind Of A Dick To His Wife

Art by Jack Kirby, Script by Stan Lee

Matsby: Morning Lover

Ten Years

Last weekend my wife and I celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary. That's right, TEN years. And as I am sure your wife has told you, that is one of the monumental anniversaries - the kind you celebrate with a grand vacation to some romantic and beautiful place. Like maybe somewhere in the desert that is a short drive from your house. So we went to Moab and had a wonderful time.

While there, we went to Arches National Park, where we saw some rock formations that kind of made me uncomfortable...

LEFT TO RIGHT: "Penis Mountain", "Giant Wang Point", "Old Man's Dong", "Weird Dick Tower", and "Twin Cocks Monument".

It's formations like that that brought me to the conclusion that Arches is the most perverted of all the National Parks (although Huge Vagina Canyon is definitely a close second).

Oh look, here's another picture of us at the park with Delicate Arch in the background...

It was beautiful but after a while the exhaust started to make us a little dizzy, so we decided to leave the park and go horseback riding.

An interesting thing I learned when I was trying to make horseback reservations was that some ranches have a weight limit of 220 pounds. And if you know me, you know that I am what the ladies like to call a "big lover" and the doctors like to call "heart attack risk", so I was a little disappointed. But then we finally found a place called The Fatty Coral that could accommodate a man of my size...

You recognize that background? Yep, that is where that movie was filmed. It was gorgeous.

We also went to 9 Mile Canyon - which is apparently only a mile from where Eminem grew up, but we weren't there for that, we were there to check out the ancient Indian petroglyphs...

And the less ancient farmer petroglyphs...

Both of which we reported after we saw this sign...

But apparently they only were interested in non-cow vandalism that is less than 200 years old.

Anyway, more things happened on that trip, but I didn't take any more pictures that that. Don't worry you're not missing much. One night we stayed in a hotel in Price that smelled like a urinal cake, but that's not really noteworthy since everything in Price is reminiscent of a public restroom, so that's pretty much it. That's how we celebrated our anniversary. Pretty romantic huh?

The Pretty Little Gentlemen

A comic strip I used to do...

What Has Six Thumbs...

and keeps a gruesome souvenir from each of his victims?

This guy!

Girls With Phones

It's not a contest, ladies.

But if it was, I say Natalie Wood wins.

Girls With Guns

If you like girls with guns, you may also be interested in Girls With Big Cats.

Michael Caine: Kind Of Like Me

I like to think of myself as a younger, fatter, less attractive, less talented, less charming, less successful, less interesting, American version of Michael Caine.

Michael Caine: Cool Around Guns

Michael Caine: Cool Around Girls

Confucius Movie Advice

"Before you embark on watching Revenge Of The Nerds, be sure to watch Cradle 2 the Grave."

Imagine How Scared And Amazed My Friends Will Be?

If this thing really does obey my commands, forget about what my friends will think, imagine how f***ing scared my enemies will be. They will rue the day they crossed me. In 6 to 8 weeks, you'll ALL be sorry. Everyone will flee in terror when they see me coming with a 7 foot tall alien-eye creature at my side. In fact who even needs friends anymore? Even they will be sorry they ever met me.

And it has a satisfaction guarantee, so if it doesn't work out like that, I will get my money back. I will get ALL of it back!

Check Out My New Tattoo

It means "logographic Chinese characters".

A Namor Comic For Babies

Art by Jack (King) Kirby

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows SPOILERS

The last of the Harry Potter movies came out this weekend and if you've read the books, then you already know the wtory. But in case you didn't and you are wanting to find out what happens, here are the 8 biggest SPOILERS in The Deathly Hallows part 2:

1. Susandorf gets eaten by a Hiffelboff.
2. Harry finally sqibs bucklebeaks with Bagley the Hufflepuff.
3. Hagrid and Stanley Floffyflibble both become Muggleboffs.
4. The house of Hagindop has hoggelbops hidden in the floppindiles.
5. Harry's mippenflob turns Dobble into a flying gibbendonk.
6. Pimbledor the Donkel Donk is actually Serious Black in disguise.
7. Goobleplaps!!!
8. These movies are retarded.

My Favorite Lines From Peep Show

He really seems to be sincerely hoping that the Russians love their children too. Which I think is a little bit patronizing.

Sure an orgy sounds great, but you’re basically just multiplying the number of people you’re not going to be able to look in the eye afterwards.

Who needs to be a man when you’ve got a knife?

I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.

The Beastie Boys fought and possibly died for my right to party.

He used to call me a flod. I think it’s a mix between a flid and a spod.

War is never a picnic… although obviously soldiers do end up eating outdoors quite a lot.

It’s not a no brainer! I have to think about it… it’s a brainer, a real brainer.

I don’t want to test fate, but I think everything is going to be great forever.

I always wanted to see a birth. It would be kind of like Alien but sexy. Sexy Alien.

Stalking is a very loaded term. I like to think of it as extreme liking.

There's A Bluebird In My Heart That Wants To Get Out

Integrity

I always stand up for what I believe.

Unless there is a way to avoid it.

Thandi: More Like The Ood Than You Might Think

That's almost as disturbing as the picture of Thandi and Vollman.

Postcard From British Sea Power

This postcard was included with a British Sea Power CD I recently ordered directly from the band. It appears to be a postcard sent from Yugoslavia in 1988. Not sure how legit it is...
24.5.88

This is the life! Warm sun, sparkling sea, lush green mountains, and a lovely old hotel full of character. The evening meal is enormous, & the local dishes interesting & delicious - no tummy bugs yet! We are sat in the sun on the waves breaking on the shore only a few yards away.

Elizabeth & Leslie

Play It Again Sam

What are you doing Saturday night?
- Committing suicide.
What about Friday night?

That is one of my favorite exchanges in any movie ever.

Flashback: Family Vacation 2009, The Black Hills.

Quick history lesson: in 1868 the US Government signed a treaty with the Lakota which gave them total ownership of the Black Hills (which is considered sacred land to the Lakota). Then a short time later some guy finds gold in them thar hills and the government breaks their promise (yet again).

I have always been interested in Native American history and culture - and particularly in this sacred land, so although my kids wanted Disneyland and my wife wanted a Mediterranean Cruise, in 2009 we decided our vacation would be a road trip to the Black Hills. Here is a picture taken taken at the beginning of our journey (and you can tell it was taken at the beginning of the trip because no one is crying or yelling and there is a notable lack of trash strewn about the van.):To get from Salt Lake to the Black Hills (South Dakota), we had to drive through Wyoming and because of some preconceived notions I have about people who live in Wyoming as well as a personal distaste with the state's landscape, the plan was to not stop ever for any reason until we passed through the other side. But then somewhere along the way, we saw a sign for Martin's Cove, so we decided to pull over and take this opportunity to mock my pioneer ancestry by posing for a cute picture pulling (and pushing) a handcart:

It was a great experience. After I got a pebble stuck in my sandal and before hurrying back to the air conditioned van, I really got a sense of what those people went through crossing the plains all those years ago.

Anyway, like I said, back to the car and on the road again. Next stop, the Black Hills:

Well actually the next stop was the hotel. But then the next day, we got to the Black Hills and took that picture.

Another history lesson: Sometime after breaking the treaty which gave the Black Hills to the Lakota, in an effort to add insult to injury, the government carved the faces of some of its past presidents in the side of these sacred hills. (classy)

And as far as I am concerned people who pay the entry fee to visit Mount Rushmore are doing nothing less than financially supporting that completely disrespectful act. But, you know... I mean we did drive all that way...

And it is an impressive sculpture and I admit that I was taken back by its beauty. So much so actually, that I lost track of the kids for a couple of minutes. And you will never guess where they had gotten off to...

After we finally got them to come back down, it started to rain and everyone was getting wet, so they decided to move the monument indoors:

But that was just too crowded, so we took off and went to visit the Crazy Horse Monument. Which, although is not completed, was also quite a beautiful sculpture.

I made a joke to this Indian guy there that the monument reminded me of a nickel I once owned. And I guess he he didn't think it was very funny because then he said that with my baby on my back, I reminded him of a dollar he once owned.

My wife thought that was a pretty witty comeback, so she was all "burn!" And then I guess the guy misunderstood, because he then grabbed her forearm arm and twisted his hands in opposite directions until she screamed out from the pain the friction caused.

History lesson: This is a picture of the great Sioux chief, Red Cloud:

Why does he look so sad, you ask?

Well perhaps it's because in his vision quest he saw the kind of life his descendants would live. And yes, I am referring to his great great grandsons, Milli Bear and Vanilli Elk:

How gay did I feel when I bought those postcards, you ask?

Very gay. I actually pretended my daughter had picked them out. And yes, maybe I could fool the storekeeper, but I couldn't fool my wife.

Now where was I? Oh yeah. Then after that, we went into Deadwood. to see all the historic sites...It was a pretty cool place, but we didn't think the language was appropriate for the kids, so we took off and went to the local cemetery to pay our respects to some of the Deadwood celebrities: Wild Bill Hickok, Calamity Jane, and Sheriff Bullock.

What? You think I'm lying? Well I thought you might, so just to prove it, we posed for this family picture outside of the cemetery.Awe... Look at Priya in that picture. So cute...

And now look at me in that picture. So embarrassing...

Anyway, that was our 2009 vacation. We stayed at the local Ramada hotel, whose housecleaning staff are known to steal old dirty flip flops (you've been warned!) and then we drove home all day Sunday - and when we got home the house was 95 degrees Fahrenheit - and trust me you do not want to see pictures of that.

That's Creepy

Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be if anyone were to see this picture of me?Seriously, I would just die if word got out I drink chocolate milk from a box!

Small World

My friend was telling me about how he went on this ride at Disneyland that had little singing robot children from different countries and I was like "No way, I've been on that ride too!"

Thandi: More Like Vollman Than You Might Think

Buy T-Shirts I Designed!

If you go HERE you can get a T-shirt with one of my designs on it. There's plenty of options for men, women, and children in tons of different colors. There's even American Apparel options. And aprons, and tote bags and mouse pads.

You should totally get your girlfriend a tank top with a picture of Edward James Olmos on it.