Redheads

I haven’t had a lot of first hand experience with redheads, but from what I have read on license plate frames and bumper stickers, I admit to having a lot of preconceived ideas about them.

Restaurants

I really like those restaurants where there is a phone at your table that you use to call in your order.

Because when it comes to cheese fries and bacon burgers, I am very non-confrontational.

Twilight Sad

Screen caps from the new Twilight Sad video, The Wrong Car (directed by Nicola Collins)

Mamba Number Five

If the Mamba is supposed to be such a dangerous poisonous snake, then why did they name it after such a delicious chewy candy?

FUN FACT: Did you know that the second deadliest snake next to the Mamba is the Starbust Viper?

Funny Friday

A man and his son are fishing on a lake. The son keeps catching fish, but the dad isn’t catching anything. Every fish the kid catches is bigger than the last. After a couple of hours, the dad says to the son “Boy, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

The boy says “what is it dad?”

The dad says “Your mother and I are getting a divorce.”

A Tribute

Antiques Roadshow

The "experts" at Antiques Roadshow said my skeleton collection isn't worth anything.

I guess they never saw all those reward signs that were posted around town.

Hacks!

On The Subject Of Bee Beards

You know sometimes I get sick and tired of hearing women complain about bee beards. I just think it’s lame when they get all superficial about this kind of thing. I mean come on ladies. Not every guy is going to be a Doctor McDreamy or a Doctor McSteamy. Some guys are bald, some guys have facial hair, and some guys have bees on their face (Doctor McStingy). And I'd like to hope you ladies wouldn't get all hung up on what kind of beard a man has or doesn't have.

I mean, how do you feel about them? Would you date a guy who had a bee beard? What about a yellow jacket mustache? Or a wasp soul-patch? A hornet goatee? Because if you say no, you may be missing out on one of the sweetest, most perfect guys you’ll ever meet just because of something superficial like that.

I'm happy to say that I for one, am not that shallow. I once dated a girl who had a ladybug unibrow – in fact, she was my first true love.

At least I think it was a ladybug unibrow. It may have just been one of those little red dots (she was an Indian).

But we weren’t together long enough for me to find out for sure… She ended up breaking it off with me because of my cockroach sideburns.

And yeah, that is understandable, but it still hurt.

Even years later, it still sometimes hurts.

But not as much as the time one of my sideburns tried to burrow into my ear.

That was excruciating!

There Are Two Kinds Of People...

Those who use the term "cool beans" and those who don't.

I prefer the latter.

Compilation Of Things I've Made

Criticism

Writing To Reach You about Roxy Music is like Dancing In The Dark about Architecture in Helsinki.

Memories

Different But The Same

If someone has a physical deformity or a scar or a weird arm, you're not supposed to stare at that part of them. Instead you should try to look them directly in the eyes.

The same thing applies when you are talking to a woman with big breasts.

But that's interesting because big breasts and a weird arm are two things I normally have completely different reactions to.

Variations On A Theme