I'm Doing A New Thing Now

This blog is dead. I have a new tumblr blog you might like though. It's the same thing...

http://theultraconformist.tumblr.com/

Downton Julie Brownton

Jenga Unchained

Life of Pi

Santigold Salt Lake City May 28, 2012

I finally found the cord which allowed me to take this picture and video off my camera. But 6 months ago, that was a great concert.

Dinosaur Train: Nature vs Nurture

It was always going to end this way...

It was always just a matter of time.

I Don't Think I Am Perfect Or Better Than Anyone...

 but I do have a rare abdominal condition that makes it so my bowel movements are odorless.

Still Trying To Decide What To Be For Halloween...

A fat spider-man, a fat ninja, a fat vampire, or a skeleton with lots of black around it.

Election 2012

Although I agree with Brunette Barbie's foreign policy, and I think Blonde Barbie has the experience and know-how to save the economy, I am going to follow my heart this election and cast my vote for Sexy Witch Barbie.

I Have A New Secret Knock

It's called "Shave And A Haircut... $12 For The Haircut, But We Don't Offer Shaves Here At Supercuts"

Pillow Fights

There are so many different kinds of pillow fights.

Little kid pillow fights, grown men pillow fights, married couple pillow fights...
Father and son pillow fights, doll pillow fights, Beatles pillow fights...
Outdoor pillow fights, in the snow pillow fights, three young models in their underwear pillow fights... So so many different kinds.

And I know which one is my favorite!

Sudden Death

I just saw an ad for a medication that listed "sudden death" as one of the possible side effects. Now I am willing to accept some risks if the medication works, but there is NO WAY I can handle that much pressure to make a basket.

The First Lines Of A New Book I Am Writing...

She had a smile that was contagious. Even more contagious than Chlamydia. Which she also had.  

No Facebook For Old Men

I just got a friendo request on Facebook...

  Not Now. And hopefully not ever!

The Speed Walking Dead

TV Man

It's art.

Matt Page: Not Some Random Fat dude

A true story from my niece's FB page...

I wasn't offended by her friend's comment, because I didn't think she was referring to me when she said "ewe". But I was a little bothered by my niece's assumption that "ewe" was not only a reaction to me, but that it had something to do with me being a "random fat dude".

Revenge Of The Feminists

"Let's make a video that tears down stereo types and shows the many faces of feminism."

"Sounds good. Hey, do you think we can get Booger to be in it?"

One Wheel, One Love: Thoughts From A Unicycle Artist

I find the term "unicyclist" kind of demeaning. I personally prefer the term unicycle artist. You see it's the job of an artist to challenge societal conventions...conventions such as those that say bicycles should have two wheels.

Yes riding a unicycle is difficult. I suppose it would be much easier for me if I just sat back and never rode a unicycle a day in my life. That's true.

The leaders of this world only care about one thing: protecting their own asses. And power. And war. And conforming.

Well I too only have one thing I care about... you thought I was going to say unicycling, didn't you? Well you are wrong. The one thing I care about is love and peace and questioning things.

Riding my unicycle is just my vehicle for delivering that message.

Open your eyes human race! Put down your guns and your wallets for one minute and just open your eyes! And check out this trick I can do on my unicycle!

Sometimes people ask me how I can do so many amazing things on a unicycle. My reply: How can I not???

How can I NOT???

That's a rhetorical question. Don't answer it, just think about it.

The Movie Is Never As Good As The Book

But the book is never as good as the MAD Magazine parody of the movie.

Formats

New Order / Technique

Spider-Man Goes Way Too Far

Look, I love when Spider-Man and the Human Torch go back and forth with their playful banter and teasing, but in Marvel Team-Up 147, Spider-Man went WAY too far. Especially since both Johnny and Sue have always been such good friends to him... And yeah, it's taken out of context, but try to think of a context where that would be an okay thing to say. And no, he wasn't out of his mind or being controlled by an evil villain or anything like that - and even if he had been, not even Dr Doom would ever say anything that horrible.

Seriously, what an asshole!

Bear And I

Last month when I was working as a mascot at the Outdoor Retail Expo, I met Bear Grylls - and I got my picture taken with him as proof...

First Aid Kit

Two screenshots from the video for "Ghost" by the band First Aid Kit.

Variations On A Theme

With Great Snowfall Comes Great Responsibility

It finally snowed in North Salt Lake.

Good Day

So my Axl Rose Hungry Time Traveler project has gotten some buzz from Spin Magazine. I am so proud.

I'll be Homely For Christmas

You can count on me.

What Do You Get Someone Who Already Has Everything?

I'm Not Racist

Some of my best friends are offensive racial stereotypes.

Pair O' Docks

I know I wouldn't be able to kill Hilter (because that would of course create a paradox that would unravel the fabric of time), but if I had a time machine, I would at least go back and put his hand in water when he's sleeping.

Happy Halloween

Slow???

That's a lot faster than I can run.

Fantastic Four 296

"Take a powder, ding-a-ling! I ain't got time fer waltzin' around!" - Ben Grimm

script: Stan Lee
art: Jerry Ordway

Five Years

Horrible.

All Signs Point To That Band Who Sang "Owner Of A Lonely Heart"

The Magic 8 Ball is just a scientific 8 ball we don't understand yet.

The Doctors

This show is the perfect combination of Time Lord, gangsta rap, carbonation, and evil genius.

Ten Years

Aaliyah Dana Haughton January 16, 1979 – August 25, 2001

Reed Richards: Sometimes Kind Of A Dick To His Wife

Art by Jack Kirby, Script by Stan Lee

Matsby: Morning Lover

Ten Years

Last weekend my wife and I celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary. That's right, TEN years. And as I am sure your wife has told you, that is one of the monumental anniversaries - the kind you celebrate with a grand vacation to some romantic and beautiful place. Like maybe somewhere in the desert that is a short drive from your house. So we went to Moab and had a wonderful time.

While there, we went to Arches National Park, where we saw some rock formations that kind of made me uncomfortable...

LEFT TO RIGHT: "Penis Mountain", "Giant Wang Point", "Old Man's Dong", "Weird Dick Tower", and "Twin Cocks Monument".

It's formations like that that brought me to the conclusion that Arches is the most perverted of all the National Parks (although Huge Vagina Canyon is definitely a close second).

Oh look, here's another picture of us at the park with Delicate Arch in the background...

It was beautiful but after a while the exhaust started to make us a little dizzy, so we decided to leave the park and go horseback riding.

An interesting thing I learned when I was trying to make horseback reservations was that some ranches have a weight limit of 220 pounds. And if you know me, you know that I am what the ladies like to call a "big lover" and the doctors like to call "heart attack risk", so I was a little disappointed. But then we finally found a place called The Fatty Coral that could accommodate a man of my size...

You recognize that background? Yep, that is where that movie was filmed. It was gorgeous.

We also went to 9 Mile Canyon - which is apparently only a mile from where Eminem grew up, but we weren't there for that, we were there to check out the ancient Indian petroglyphs...

And the less ancient farmer petroglyphs...

Both of which we reported after we saw this sign...

But apparently they only were interested in non-cow vandalism that is less than 200 years old.

Anyway, more things happened on that trip, but I didn't take any more pictures that that. Don't worry you're not missing much. One night we stayed in a hotel in Price that smelled like a urinal cake, but that's not really noteworthy since everything in Price is reminiscent of a public restroom, so that's pretty much it. That's how we celebrated our anniversary. Pretty romantic huh?

The Pretty Little Gentlemen

A comic strip I used to do...

What Has Six Thumbs...

and keeps a gruesome souvenir from each of his victims?

This guy!

Girls With Phones

It's not a contest, ladies.

But if it was, I say Natalie Wood wins.

Girls With Guns

If you like girls with guns, you may also be interested in Girls With Big Cats.

Michael Caine: Kind Of Like Me

I like to think of myself as a younger, fatter, less attractive, less talented, less charming, less successful, less interesting, American version of Michael Caine.

Michael Caine: Cool Around Guns

Michael Caine: Cool Around Girls

Confucius Movie Advice

"Before you embark on watching Revenge Of The Nerds, be sure to watch Cradle 2 the Grave."

Imagine How Scared And Amazed My Friends Will Be?

If this thing really does obey my commands, forget about what my friends will think, imagine how f***ing scared my enemies will be. They will rue the day they crossed me. In 6 to 8 weeks, you'll ALL be sorry. Everyone will flee in terror when they see me coming with a 7 foot tall alien-eye creature at my side. In fact who even needs friends anymore? Even they will be sorry they ever met me.

And it has a satisfaction guarantee, so if it doesn't work out like that, I will get my money back. I will get ALL of it back!

Check Out My New Tattoo

It means "logographic Chinese characters".